Tips for Hobos (who happen to have computers)

I'm changing my blog

2005-08-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I cant keep writing about nothing. I cant keep traveling along in this blog universe with no purpose...No direction. So here it is... My new and improved blog (and I'm keeping all the old stuff on here too because fuck it...That's why)

Each day I will post tips for hobos (who happen to have computers). Since I spend most of my free time watching and studying the habits of a hobo I thought, what better way to pass along what I've learned than posting it to a blog so that Hobos all across NYC can benefit from my hours of research.

Today's tip:

Top FIVE places to sleep without being bothered by anyone for a pretty long period of time:

5. The small abandoned door frame on Ludlow and Stanton. A hobo could sit (or sleep) in this small space for hours (easily) before a cop-per finds you. I'm not entirely positive that the building itself is unoccupied...But one thing I do know is that this entrance sure as hell is not being used.

4. The stairs that lead down to the FungWah ticket counter bathrooms.
Anyone brave enough to go down there must really have to go. For a hobo this is prime realty; it's shelter and warm and "comfortable". The most you'll have to worry about are the Fung Wah employees trying to chase you out with a broom...But c'mon dude you're not gonna be chased out with a broom...You're a HOBO stay and fight like one!

3. Any station along the "G" line. Aint no one gonna bother you there.

2. The Bowery Mission. Apparently sleeping is allowed here.

1. The Manhattan Bridge Monument. There are plenty of sleeping places here. I once saw a hot pink futon hidden between the columns for weeks and NO ONE moved it. Imagine if that were a hobo...You could go days hidden between those columns and sleep cool as a cucumber.

There is Someone out there that shares my name

2005-08-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

She is... Obofa

FINE

2005-08-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

In recent days I've been verbally accosted by several of my "friends" about not having posted anything new on this site. So FINE- this is what happens when you rush creative genius- you end up with a post about posting...And everyone knows that's dumb.

But since people are apparently sooo bored with their jobs that they need constant amusement and "updates" that is what I'll give em'. I will regale all of you (because I know there are HUNDREDS of you...HUNDREDS) with what I have been up to in my posting down time. Maybe then you will understand why blogging plays second fiddle to my very busy and important life style.

The most "exciting" thing to happen to me in the past few weeks hasn't even really had all that much to do with me. My softball team at work (a corpo monkeys right of passage) has placed first in our division and will be moving on to conquer the other divisions for top spot in cooperate Softball. The reason I say it has very little to do with me is because I'm a terrible at bat -and slow to boot.

While I can play some pretty mean defense and I'm extremely skilled in the art of "fucking with the other team" my RBI percentages have been dismally low (at best). Now I ask you, what, if anything, can an out of shape drunk on the way to liver failure do about such a dilemma? The answer is simple, nothing. Just give up. It's hopeless.

Instead, I will put on my uniform and walk proudly to the plate with my bat in one hand and a forty oz in the other. I will swing hard and inevitably throw the bat at the ump when I (inevitably) strike out...And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with that for one reason- because being a good hitter would mean that I was shirking my responsibilities as a drunk...And I AM NOT ok with that.

Why Netts is better than you

2005-07-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well for starters she's patient as hell...So bless her heart.

Netts has single handedly restored my faith in fun. Just as I was starting to slip into a routine of same ole same ole...Netts saved me.

Down for anything and out to have a good time, Netts is a big ball of super fun energy that can legitimately turn a frown upside down. Coming to us from Germany by way of Canada, Netts is a sassy sophisticated lady who can kick your ass. In the short time that we have been friends, we have covered a lifetime; She is the Barney to my Fred.

Despite having no idea how fabulous she is, Netts is as much fun and as big a heart as it gets...You people are lucky she even looks at you.

Why Warmsounds Rocks

2005-07-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever met someone that changed the way you saw the world?

Someone that will say something to you and all you can think about is, "WOW that was so fucked up" and yet you still find yourself agreeing. Or someone that walks by you and you think "What a dick" but you still follow right behind him. Someone that will blatantly make you feel like an ass hole in front of friends and family at your own wedding, and you still let him stand in all the pictures even though he will probably give the finger and be downing a 40 oz.

That's warmsounds… A raucous drunken butt head with a heart of gold.

The Moment you've all been waiting for...

2005-07-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

And the winners of the 2005 Good Band/Album names contest (first of many) are:

Band Name:

Warmsounds with his entry for "Portuguese Pickle Farmers" (even though it is wholly inaccurate)

Honorable mention should also go to Netts with "Rubber Trannies" even though "honorable mention" doesn't get you anything.

But don't feel too badly for Netts because for best Album Title the winner is: "Love makes my pants itch" submitted by Netts.

Honorable Mention (again means nothing) should go out to Johanna for "Eat it, Bitches"

So there you have it folks. It was a difficult decision to make and I left it up to my esteemed panel of judges (I would only decide in the event of a tie).

As promised the winners will receive accolades and ass kissing for a full work day (all bets off after five).

Warmsounds you will get today and Netts you will get tomorrow...unless of course those do not work for you and I am happy to oblige.

Thank you for playing and look for more soon.

CONTEST CLOSED

2005-07-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

Winner will be announced tomorrow morning. And prize can be given any day winner chooses.

Good Band/Album Names

2005-07-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

Here it is ladies and gentlemen-the first installment in what is sure to be the most comprehensive band/album names list ever recorded.

Try to be as creative as possible on this people because there is a prize in it for the winner.

It will go as follows:
You will start the list by adding names you think would be good names for bands/albums.
At the end of the day I will look through the entries and, along with an esteemed panel of judges decide which is the best band name and which is the best album name.

Winner will get an entire days worth of blogging dedicated completely to talking about and praising them. I will post comments on other peoples blog about the winner. I will write an entire post about how much I LOVE the winner and I will make sure to say the winners name at least ten times that day to anyone I speak with.

Please note that in the event the winner(s) for both aspects of the contest are not the same person each of you will get a day.

Also...

2005-07-19T12:17:00.000-07:00

SWV is waaay underrated.

I am a secret Samurai

2005-07-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I took a self-defense class in NYC. I learned quite a bit about survival techniques and ways of defending myself and my possessions in the event that I am assaulted.

With all that I learned however, what I really took away most of all from this class was that I am a Secret Samurai. I learned that I possess the ability to kill a man with one small inch of even the smallest finger (doesn’t even have to be my own). I, apparently, can crouch cat-like for hours without even blinking waiting to attack (or I suppose in this case waiting to be attacked…). I have see-through vision (I believe the technical term for this is "x-ray") and I can turn my shoe into a deadly sword.

I understand this is hard to believe given my usual routine consists of drinking beer and watching the Simpsons; and I understand fully that I may never get to show any of you my skills to prove it. All I can say is that after taking this class I am the new me now. I am the me that sword fought the old me and won.

I am LadyLovely, Secret Samurai.

Because Work is for Suckers

2005-07-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided to buy Calcutta and turn it into a rap video.
Seeing as I will then become Queen of Calcutta (also my rap name) I have several appointments I would like to announce:

Veronica- Will manage poolboys (she picks em, she beds em and she makes their schedule)

Johanna- Will make sure that all citizens of Calcutta pass the appearance standard. If there is anyone that proves to be ugly or dress like a poor person, Johanna can do with them as she wishes.

Netts- Will make sure that Calcutta is crunk at all times. No excuses, no exceptions...if it aint crunk it's out and Netts will see to it that it never returns.

Raku- In charge of making balloon animals. I've always thought that rap videos needed less thong booty and more balloon animals.

Tatiana- you will teach citizens of Calcutta to rap. (Please work alongside Netts to make sure all raps are crunk).

Any questions or concerns please feel free to take it up with eachother...I'll be busy sippin on gin and slappin that ass.

Who's with me!

One thing I know is true

2005-07-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson is a slut. It is rather apparent in her new video for "these boots were made for walking" that she likes to have sexual intercourse with several people over a very small period of time.

Wearing next to nothing, Mrs. Lachey shook her ass and dry humped the General Lee. After asking the question: "Do you want it"? My answer was of course: No Mrs. Lachey take your smut and peddle it elsewhere.

Johanna is a SUPER genius...and I'm retarded

2005-07-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today I found out that I need to wear a helmet.
Thanks for helping me reach that realization Johanna...I owe you.

Important News Bulletin

2005-07-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

Rick Springfield's new album "The Day after Yesterday" finally arrived on store shelves yesterday morning.

The album, while meloncholy in spirit, is still sure to whoo young ladies into taking off their panties. But please ladies...Rick isn't the upbeat heartthrob he once was...he's a dark and brooding soul with a hardened approach to life and his art.

After a long break Rick Springfield is back on the charts and back into our hearts...Finally, I can rest.

FUCKING PICTURES

2005-07-12T14:34:00.000-07:00

Also today I...

2005-07-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

1. Tried, and failed, several attempts to add a photo to this blog
2. Cursed olde tyme curse words
3. Burgled V's Car
...PSYCH I'm not a burglar

So Today I....

2005-07-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

1. Read everyone else's blog
2. Got insanely (INSANELY) jealous that I did not have a blog
3. Created a blog
4. Recorded these events

Now if you excuse me I just realized how terribly boring my life is and I'm going to go flush my head in the can.